Singing Bird Holistic Health Coaching

Why Does This Keep Happening to Me?

Have you ever found yourself saying this? Maybe you keep attracting the same kind of unhealthy relationship, can’t seem to hold onto money, or keep feeling like you are getting screwed over in some way.

These situations really suck and make you feel like the universe is taking a giant dump on your head. I get that.

BUT, I also strongly believe that patterns are the universe’s way of saying PAY ATTENTION. There is that saying: if you didn’t learn the lesson the first time, it will keep coming up for you.

A lot of times when the same negative thing keeps happening to us, it’s easy to fall into victim mode. We ask ourselves, “Why is this happening to me again?”

The wording of this question is very important. When you feel like something is happening “to you” you are giving away all of your power to some external source, typically the universe which you believe is out to get you. It’s a lot easier to try and point our finger out towards everything else and place blame than it is to look within ourselves and see how we are contributing to/allowing/inviting this same experience into our lives over and over again.

As without, so within.

 Your external world is really a mirror of what is going on within you. There are reasons that we attract the same types of energy into our lives over and over again, despite the fact that we say that’s exactly what we don’t want. It’s a lesson that needs to be learned. It’s an energy or belief system or thought pattern that needs to be cleared.

When we dive within and start exploring our own deep inner terrain we begin to uncover the root of the issue. We can stare our deepest, darkest feelings in the face and not run. We can shine light on them and see them for what they are. We can feel the intense emotional pain associated with them and not die.

And that is when we begin to understand how those deeply held fears and emotions and beliefs have been steering our lives. We see how we have kept them alive by feeding them with experiences that strengthen them time and again. For instance, if deep down inside you believe that you are not worthy of love, that belief will keep manifesting in your life. It will run the show and you will continue to get involved in situations and relationships that support that belief.

We need to deep dive. You gotta feel it to heal it. The only way out is through. There are so many cliché sayings for this process because IT IS TRUE.

Right now we live in a society where life itself is geared towards drowning out emotion. We are told it’s PMS. We are prescribed prescription drugs for being unhappy. We eat, we drink, we do drugs, we overwork, we exercise too much just to avoid actually feeling.

And we can see the detriment to this approach all around us. Our external world mirrors what is going on within us. Just because we try to drown out an emotion we’d rather not deal with doesn’t mean that it will just disappear. It festers. It amplifies. It is reflected back to us.

So if you are stuck in a pattern which does not serve you and that you want to break, start by asking yourself, “How could this be happening ‘for me’ as opposed to ‘to me’?” Just that slight reframe will get you out of the victim mentality and open you up to seeing what the opportunity for growth is in this situation.

Trust me, I know it isn’t easy, but it’s so worth it.

 

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Authentic Connection: The Healing Salve for our Collective Ache

I held her hands in my own and looked down at her fingers, knuckles, and nails. I gazed upon her palms and fingertips feeling the years of work that every woman carries with her. I looked into her eyes, and not knowing her story, where she comes from, or what she does for a living, I felt her in my own heart. I sensed her strength and her struggles as tears gathered in both of our eyes.

This moment was the highlight of the workshop I attended this past weekend by Sheila Kelley, the founder of S Factor. In this exercise we were tapping into our intuition as women and I could never have predicted the emotional wellspring that bubbled forth from us both.

Words were unnecessary. The past and the future were not a concern. We were simply two women coming together to witness one another fully in the here and now. And the emotional connection was palpable in a way it could never have been if we tried to pin it down and categorize it with words.

Though I love writing, I became starkly aware of the inadequacy of language to capture the human experience.

It’s the butterfly syndrome. The beauty of the butterfly is in its flight, its spirited dance as it delicately flitters to and fro. When you capture it and pin it to your board with its wings spread out for all to see, the majesty is lost. Using words we try to pin down our feminine experience, the butterfly that is our own lives, by attempting to capture and categorize a field of emotion and experience much too deep and vast for mere letters on the page.

In that moment, I was moved by the power of true authentic connection between women. It is the healing balm for our collective emotional ache. It is an audible sigh of relief as we let the shells we have built as protection around ourselves crumble to the ground like the ruins of ancient civilizations. Finally we are free to stand and be seen in our vulnerable radiance.

What sets authentic connection like this apart from the plethora of other forms of connection that we may already have in our lives?

I have touched upon one of the key elements already: lack of language. Words and language are the building blocks of story. Don’t get me wrong, stories can be empowering, teach us and help us to understand the greater meaning behind events in our lives (I am telling you a story right now!).

But stories also hem us in. We unquestioningly believe the ones we tell ourselves, whether they are true or not. We can’t be free to connect with ourselves as we are now when we are entrenched in our stories, trapped in former iterations of ourselves that our souls grew out of a long time ago. Stories are the fuel that feeds our limiting beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. Without them, we are free to feel and behave in a way that feels the most authentic to us in that very moment.

Another thing I realized about authentic connection is that it allows us to drop our roles, the labels that we put upon others, as well as ourselves. When I looked into eyes of that woman, she wasn’t a mother or daughter or wife. She wasn’t a democrat or republican. She wasn’t a coach or accountant or actress.

She was something so much greater.

A spirit cannot be categorized and put into a neat little box.

We had no labels or definitions for ourselves. There were no preconceived notions of who we were “supposed” to be. She was free to be herself and I was free to be me, whoever I wanted that to be for that small moment in time.

I will be taking what I have learned from this profound experience of authentic connection and carrying it with me into my daily life. I am finding ways of interacting in new ways with those closest to me, and seeing my friends and family for who they are now, not who I expect them to be. This isn’t easy. The roles we have assumed, our old ways of being, feel as easy as sliding into the ruts of a well-traveled road. But they prevent us from showing up as we are right now, and from truly seeing others in the same way.

I am also exploring more about body language and how I can communicate without words, especially when words feel hollow and insufficient. I have a tendency to be verbose, so this one is tricky for me, but it’s worth it. My job not only as a coach, but also as a fellow human being is to explore, consistently grow, and carry what I have learned out into the world so that hopefully it will help another soul in need.

I ask you to consider these questions:

Do you crave more authentic connection? If so, how can you seek that out or how can you show up more authentically in your existing relationships?

Are you willing to allow others to see you fully, just as you are?

Are you willing to see those around you as they truly are, to hold that space for them and not look away even if it gets uncomfortable?

 

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, let’s make a pact to engage more authentically in all areas of our lives. Doing so will help us to heal not only our own emotional wounds, but also those of the world at large.