Singing Bird Holistic Health Coaching

Do You Keep Attracting Dudes Who Lack Direction?

Alright, girls. I have heard from many, many awesome women that one of their biggest frustrations is being able to meet a man who has his shit together, has direction and ambition, and is more manly than they are.

One of the topics that I think we don’t hear enough about in our culture is SEXUAL POLARITY.

Intimate relationships are like magnets: opposites attract (yes, like the Paula Abdul song from the 80s) and likes repel.

Feminine energy attracts masculine energy and vice versa. From an intimate relationship standpoint (aka this is a person you want to get down with, and not just drink tea and talk about the weather), masculine energy repels other masculine energy. We are talking energy here, not gender. Men can be more in their feminine and women can be more in their masculine.

For a plethora of reasons, women have upped their masculine energy, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We all need to cultivate our masculine. It allows us to be focused, get shit done, and be on purpose in the world. And we didn’t really have a choice. When women went into the work place it was a completely male-dominated sphere, and in order to be taken seriously and succeed, we had to start acting like dudes.

Again, think back to the 1980s. Pant suits. Huge shoulder pads. Even in physical form, powerful women were taught to look like men.

PowerSuit

Though that may be a thing of the past, we still live in a society where masculine traits are much more sought-after and respected than feminine ones, whether it comes to the workplace, how we work out, or even our spiritual practice. As women, we have absorbed those messages into our very being.

Masculine = good, feminine = bad.

Many of us may also have at some point in the past made an unconscious decision that being feminine isn’t safe or that our feminine radiance isn’t up to snuff. That could be because we were taught that we aren’t safe in our bodies (what Sheila Kelley refers to as the first offense…listen to her awesome TED Talk here) or because we believe we just aren’t beautiful or radiant enough to be feminine. I know that sounds horrible, so let me explain.

For example, when I was little (under 5 years old) I had really short, boy-cut hair. My hair is super fine and it would always mat like a freakin’ golden doodle, and I couldn’t have it long. I would always envy the little girls in my kindergarten class who had the beautiful ponytails that would swing back and forth as they walked.

One time, I was at the playground and there were two older girls there who were maybe around 13. One looked at me and said, “Oh what a cute little boy!” Then there was some discussion as to whether I was a girl or a boy. Let me just say…OUCH. I felt so hurt by that. And the fact that I still remember it (I am notorious for my crappy memory) shows how much it hurt.

Those types of events, even simple comments said in passing, stay with you and affect you at a subconscious level. So we start building up masculine walls to protect us from that kind of hurt in the future.

How does this impact polarity? Whatever the reason, many of us have built up our masculine energy and as opposed to being able to turn it on and off at will, we hem ourselves in and get stuck there all the time. We have a really difficult time letting anyone see the softness and love that we carry in our core.

When women are stuck and operating from their masculine energy they attract more feminine energy i.e. the “creative” types of guys who are not quite sure what they want out of life, and float from thing to thing, but are super sweet and sensitive.

If you are a more masculine woman through and through, then this type of man attracts you! You dig it. You need that feminine energy in your life.

However, if you have built up your masculine as a protection mechanism, but inside still long to be the feminine one in the relationship, this will drive you bat shit crazy. You will get tired of making all the decisions and will want to grab your dude and shake him vigorously.

This is so counter to everything we have been taught as women about the importance of full equality in relationship. But all equality all the time does not a spicy relationship make. It makes for a wonderful partnership or friendship, so if that’s what you are looking for, awesome. However, if you want something a little saucier, a romantic relationship that is supportive and loving AND sexy as hell, you need that polarity. And the first step is to let your true feminine self come out to play.

If you are ready to start chipping away at those masculine walls and let your feminine radiance shine (and attract the sexy, kind, alpha male you are looking for), I would love to talk to you. In your free 30-minute Discovery Session you’ll learn what my coaching is all about, what my style is, and whether we would be a good fit. Schedule yours today by clicking here.

 

For all my “no pain, no gain” gals…

Are you a MAN-MADE Woman?

Last week I wrote about The Domesticated Woman, the people pleaser, the woman who always puts her own needs last. This woman is in need of the wild feminine to help her determine her boundaries, trust and listen to her intuition, to experience joy through and within her body, and to uncover her true gifts and desires.

The Domesticated Woman is still fairly common and many of us have absorbed a lot of these qualities from society and what we have been taught. I have been working to overcome the shortcomings of The Domesticated Woman for the past three years and will speak more to that in another post.

However, there is also another type of woman who secretly yearns for the wild feminine, but in a different way and for different reasons. That is what I call the Man-Made Woman.

Unlike The Domesticated Woman, the Man-Made Woman knows what she wants out of life and is not afraid to go for it. She has passion, ambition, and a hardcore work ethic. This is the girl you want to get shit done because she will not stop until it is finished. She focuses on her goals and adopts a “no pain, no gain” mentality to a lot of what she sets out to achieve.

There is not really a lot of time for play or spontaneity in the Man-Made Woman’s life; there is too much on her to-do list. Yet her body and soul long for fun and relaxation.

The Man-Made Woman’s relationship with her body is often seeing it as a limitation that needs to be transcended. There is little joy in the body as it is; the joy comes from testing and overcoming its limits. The body needs to be controlled and conquered through strict diet and exercise (which works for a while until there is too much pressure and we “fall off the bandwagon”).

Boundaries are an issue here as well. Whereas the Domesticated Woman has trouble honoring her boundaries when it comes to external sources, due to her desire to be nice and liked, the Man-Made Woman has a tendency to push past her own boundaries from the inside. Boundaries like knowing when it is time to rest, understanding her feminine cycles of ebb and flow, and when enough is enough, particularly when it comes to work.

The Man-Made Woman has overdeveloped her masculine energy and has difficulty falling back into her feminine. The words trust and surrender make The Man-Made Woman squeamish.

Some women simply have more masculine energy, and that’s fantastic. When I speak about The Man-Made Woman in this sense, I mean a woman who is feminine at her core and has trouble expressing that. How do you know if you are more feminine at your core? Do you want your man to be more ambitious and goal-driven than you are (masculine) or would you prefer to take that role in the relationship? If you want your man (or partner) to take on the more masculine role, you are probably more feminine.

I know that this topic can be SUPER TRIGGERING. “Women can be ambitious and goal-driven too!!” I used to say this all the time. Hearing about the feminine would piss me off to no end. To which I now say, YES, of course women can be ambitious and goal-oriented and succeed at business. As time goes on, we see more and more proof of that. However, the more women I talk to who are rocking it in their careers, I also see the toll it can take on their bodies, their emotions, and their relationships to be in their masculine energy all the time.

The Man-Made Woman is a fairly modern phenomenon, and in another post I will go into what has led to her development. I see the Man-Made Woman as a necessary step on our way back to the Wild Feminine, but she isn’t the final destination. Without the driven women who went into the workplace, who fought for our right to vote, we would never even be here having this conversation and for that I am ever grateful.

But now that we have our voice, a platform, we can begin to shape this conversation. As women, we can begin to create a way of working, living, and raising children that truly works for us instead of just molding and contorting ourselves into the preexisting system.

Also, it’s in important to note that this is not an all or nothing thing. Very few people are typically 100% Domesticated or 100% Man-Made or even 100% Wild Feminine. I exhibited many characteristics of both the Domesticated and Man-Made Woman (and still do), so you may see a little bit of yourself in each. That’s totally normal. Embracing the Wild Feminine is about growth and evolution, but it’s equally about reclaiming all of these parts of ourselves and being able to exist within their inherent contradictions.

So if you are a bomb-ass, driven, go-getter who desires more play and sensuality in her life, or an ambitious single gal who keeps attracting men without direction (and who drive you crazy or don’t turn you on), the Wild Feminine may just be your answer. I would love to help guide you on your journey back home to yourself. Schedule your 30-minute Discovery Session with me today and let’s make 2016 the year we free that wildness within your soul.

Are You A DOMESTICATED Woman?

Have you been cut off from your true wildish nature? If you are currently reading this, I would venture that answer is yes because it is very difficult to move through this civilized life without ever losing our connection to the wild feminine.

This newsletter is a two-part series because what I have seen, read about, and experienced is that a lack of the wild feminine in our lives manifests in two ways. The first is that we become the dry and brittle Domesticated Woman. The second, which we will cover next time, is that we overcompensate by relying too much on our masculine energy becoming The Man-Made Woman. A lot of times, we wax and wane between these two poles and neither one feels particularly juicy, authentic, or fulfilling.

But first thing’s first: The Domesticated Woman.

The Domesticated Woman is in many ways forever doomed to being a little girl. She got stuck there. She didn’t strengthen or heed her intuition; she didn’t sharpen her skills of discernment. Instead, she bends and twists herself into whatever pretzel-like contortion that she believes other people expect of her.

The Domesticated Woman is a people pleaser.

What comes along with people pleasing? Putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own. Needing others’ approval and fearing their disapproval (which starts with your parents, then spreads to your peers, your partner, and even completely random strangers). Not being able to honor your own boundaries. Having an exceptionally difficult time uttering an otherwise simple-seeming, one-syllable word: No.

The Domesticated Woman has lost her backbone. She apologizes for her own existence. “Sorry to bother you, but…,” she says, “I just wanted to check on one little thing, but if it’s a bad time I can always come back.” Her body shrinks; her voice is small.

This also means she has a tendency to put herself in situations that she knows on a guttural level are not good for her simply because they are what other people expect. She doesn’t respect the wisdom of her body. She doesn’t listen when every bone in her body is screaming at her that her relationship is over or her stomach feels uneasy every time she sets foot in her office.

She stays the course because that is what a GOOD WOMAN does, and being perceived as “good” is very important to the domesticated woman.

As such, she has lost touch with the JOY of her body. Instead of embracing the glorious feelings it allows her, both pleasurable and painful, instead of letting life dance through her, she nitpicks at its lack of perfection. As if outward perfection had anything on inner radiance.

The Domesticated Woman has entirely lost touch of her own desires. She fears that she lacks passion and purpose, when in truth she hasn’t even let herself consider those things for a very long time. How can she know what she wants when she is constantly wrapped up in other people’s wants and desires for her, of her?

Thus The Domesticated Woman is a dry, brittle shell of the juicy, fiery, radiant being that she so longs to be.

But there is hope. When a woman begins to question the thoughts and beliefs that tell her it is more important to be good than it is to be alive, the wild feminine within stirs. When she takes time out of her daily life to feed her soul with the nourishment it is starved for, it kindles that small, yet ever-burning, spark within.

Where you are in life, whether you are a corporate boss lady or a stay-at-home mama, doesn’t matter. Whether you are twenty-two or sixty-two doesn’t matter. The wild feminine is there and extending her hand to you. What are you waiting for?

Are you ready to shed The Domesticated Woman and grow into the goddess you know you are meant to be? Schedule your Discovery Session today. Over the next few weeks I will also be sharing my journey with you because I know firsthand that shedding our nice, domesticated layers can be scary as hell, but it’s oh so worth it.

If you are reading this right now thinking “Hell no, that’s not me! I know exactly what I want and I will go out there and make it happen by pouring my blood, sweat and tears into it…No pain, no gain, baby!! If only I could find a motivated, ambitious man to meet me where I’m at…” Then stay tuned for the next installment on The Man-Made Woman.