Singing Bird Holistic Health Coaching

Replacing Your Masculine Walls with Feminine Boundaries

GoddessDoormat

“There are only two types of women – goddesses and doormats.” – Pablo Picasso

I have a love/hate relationship with this quote. On the one hand, it feels a little demeaning, oversimplified, etc. On the other hand, there is a fair deal of truth to it.

As women, when we begin to more fully embody our feminine essence it is easy to revert back into the socialized feminine, or slip back to being a doormat. When I say the socialized feminine, I mean the “nice” girl who puts pleasing others ahead of her own needs, says yes when she really wants to say no, and allows people to generally walk all over her. (For a more detailed description of the domesticated feminine aka the doormat, check out this article.)

But what is it that separates the goddesses from the doormats? And as we let our masculine walls crumble around us, how can we ensure that our feminine spirit soars into the realm of the goddess as opposed to landing face-down and getting stepped on?

One word. BOUNDARIES.

Yes, boundaries are a hot topic in feminine circles these days, and for good reason. The more we embody our feminine energy, the more crucial boundaries become.

Feminine energy is soft and vulnerable and loving. It is the heart, body, and soul of a woman. Through the process of living, our feminine core gets a little battered and bruised sometimes. It can be a snide comment, a betrayal by someone we care about, or a full on heartbreak. Whatever the cause, it HURTS and it SUCKS. To protect ourselves, we begin to build masculine walls around our soft, feminine hearts.

For many of us, these walls take the place of healthy feminine boundaries, and there is a distinct difference between the two. Walls are structures that we have built around our own hearts to keep them safe. They are often rigid and high, and they don’t discriminate. While we have these walls in place, it is nearly impossible for us to show up fully in the world as our authentic, feminine selves. The walls don’t just keep people and situations that may hurt us out; they also keep the love that we have to offer the world locked away inside of us as well.

Instinctively, we know when this has happened. Suddenly we realize that it doesn’t feel as if we are living fully. We are playing it safe. We never let anyone truly see or know us. That lack of trust, and that lack of authentic expression, wears away our radiance. It steals our zest for life. That’s why, despite their best intentions, the walls don’t really serve our higher good.

As I have said before, the first step of truly embodying the feminine is to strip away these masculine walls. We do this by questioning the thoughts and beliefs that built them in the first place, and by feeling the underlying hurt.

But then we often bound off into the world, wall-less and ready to shine our love light on everyone and everything we come into contact with. We commit to showing up fully, openly, and vulnerably in our relationships and interactions. And inevitably we get hurt again. And again. And maybe again.

What most of us never learned was how to establish a feminine boundary using our own internal compass and our instincts. Mostly these were programmed out of us as we were taught to be “nice”. That’s why we built those damn walls and set those artificial rules in the first place; we don’t know how to heed our intuition.

A boundary comes from within and is about taking ownership of how you want to feel in any situation. The great thing about boundaries is that they are flexible, and if you are present within your body you allow them to change from moment to moment. If something doesn’t feel good on all levels in that moment, there’s a natural boundary there that needs to be honored.

Let me give you an example of what I mean by walls versus natural boundaries. Let’s say you are a single, dating woman. You have gotten hurt a few times by going further physically sooner than you truly wanted. So you set up a rule or wall. No kissing until the third date and absolutely no sex for the first three months. Nice, clean, and easy, right? Yeah, except that the love that you feel within your heart now has a limited range of expression, making dating seem stilted, constrained, and artificial. When you remove that wall it does not mean that you run around having sex with every man you go on a date with (unless that is what brings you joy!).

Instead you practice discernment, the ultimate feminine boundary. What do your instincts say about this man? What do your body and intuition say? Are you able to relax open and surrender in his presence, allowing love to flow through you? Or despite physical attraction, is there something deeper that is warning you to slow down?

A crucial part of embracing our wild feminine is bringing these instinctual boundaries to our consciousness and then honoring them with our trust. I warn you, it can get a little messy. Most of us are not accustomed to listening to our bodies and our intuition in this way, and it’s easy to misread signals or let ingrained patterns continue to rule.

My biggest area of growth right now is working on not allowing old habits like people pleasing to get in there and muck things up. I have a habit of saying “yes” before even giving myself the chance to feel into whether it is something I want to do. That inner desire of wanting to be nice and helpful kicks in and I say “yes” though it doesn’t feel 100% good to me. That’s my edge right now: giving myself at least a few breaths to feel into what my body is telling me and then honoring that by saying “no” or “now is not the right time” or “I need to think about it” if that feels more true to me. When I do that, and set the expectation and the boundary immediately, it results in a few minutes of discomfort. But when I don’t I end up feeling resentful or flaking out and that feels much worse to both parties.

The idea here is that it doesn’t need to be perfect, because it will be something better than that. It will true. It will be growth. And it will be in integrity with our own wild soul.

 

 

The Moment I Went from an Atheist to Believing in the Divine

Butterfly

My mom always told me that one day God would tap me on the shoulder and then I would have no choice but to become a believer. The day I started believing in a higher power was not quite so dramatic, but equally as profound insofar as perspective changes go.

Up until that point, when asked, I would typically refer to myself as “Agnostic”, meaning I didn’t necessarily believe in God but I also did not NOT believe. Most of the time I told people this because I would get such looks of shock if I spoke the truth, which is that I was really more of an atheist.

God, the Divine, a Higher Power – in my mind that was for illogical people. People who needed something to cling to in order to try and make sense of this horribly messy world that we are living in. I equated faith with weakness. I have since been humbled and come to realize that having faith despite any present circumstances requires much more courage than not believing.

The day that I became a believer in something greater than me was really no different from any other day. I didn’t witness any miracles. There was no near death experience where I saw the light. It was actually a quite rational decision.

I remember it vividly. I was walking my dog in our old neighborhood in West Hollywood. It was the “golden hour” as it’s called in photography; that little window of time in the afternoon as the setting sun casts a beautiful glow upon everything it touches. I was listening to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros on my hot pink iPod mini, and a song called “Dear Believer” came on.

As I listened to the words and gazed upon the world around me, it was as if I was seeing life for the first time, really seeing it. The inherent beauty in all. The energy. The bigger picture.

The chorus of “Dear Believer” goes:

Paradise has its hunter,

Call me blind, call me fool

I don’t mind chasing thunder

Reaching for heaven

is what I am on earth to do

 I wondered, “Why am I so afraid to reach for heaven?”

My whole life I had been adamant that there was no God, no higher power, no greater purpose, but why? I had no proof that the Divine didn’t exist, but that didn’t mean I should rule it out. If believing made life better for the believer, what was the harm? Right then and there, I opened to something greater, the idea of God, the possibility of the Divine. Where before there was closure and ego, suddenly there was openness and love.

Looking back on it, as counter-intuitive as it sounds, it was partially science that led me to that place. I had recently read The Fabric of the Cosmos by Brian Greene, which is a book on theoretical physics (written for non-theoretical physicists) and the ideas and findings presented in that book had boggled my mind.

I realized how little we truly know about the nature of the universe. How limited we are by our perceptions and our instruments and our measurements. How things work in beautiful ways that we can’t possibly begin to grasp. And that unknown is okay.

The mystery is beautiful. It has inspired humans for thousands of years.

Now we try to pin everything down with theories and experiments and mathematical laws. Perhaps the meaning of life is that it is not meant to be understood and dissected, but rather lived.

I liken it to a butterfly. Its beauty lies in how brightly it flutters about in the breeze, its papyrus wings dancing in the sunlight and shadows. If you capture it, pin its wings down and hang it on the wall, the magic is lost.

From that one otherwise banal moment, I have been cultivating my relationship with the Divine and my blossoming love affair with the unknown. It’s an exploration. An eternal truth seeking that is sometimes downright uncomfortable. For now, I am referring to it only as the Divine. I am not comfortable saying God or Goddess, as that feels strange to me. Maybe one day it won’t; who knows.

What I do know is that I no longer rule things out as much. Life has become less definitive. Less black and white, more gray. I am aware of how little I know; how little we all know. Yet the beauty is that we all continue to search in our own ways. Some search in science labs and others in sacred texts, but the underlying yearning is the same: To find truth for ourselves because the truth is what will set us free.

The One Belief That Crippled Me for YEARS

BlondeHairBlowingWeb

When I dove full-fledged back into the Wild Feminine, I realized that I had to sit with these two words. What was it about the wild feminine in particular that magnetized me so? Why did she whisper to me in my quietest moments?

You see I had understood the wild feminine as a concept before, a theoretical idea, but this time I was determined to understand what it meant to ME. Why did I want to make guiding women back to their own wild nature a part of my life’s sacred work?

Once I asked myself that question, I got a resounding answer that resonated through my entire body.

TRUST.

The wild feminine to me is about coming back to your body, listening to the intuition that lies there, and trusting your own inner compass more than any of the swirling chaos that is going around you.

I realized that my life had been split in two. When I was younger, I was embodied. I experienced the simple joys of being in my body the way that most children do. I danced. I rode my bike. I climbed trees.

Emotions flowed through me like water through a clean and empty vessel. Unobstructed. My mom used to call me Singing Bird, but she also used to call me The Siren. I would go from zero to a hundred like a siren that had just been turned on, and then I would fizzle out just as quickly. My sadness or anger would explode like a firework, fading quickly back into the sweet darkness of the night sky.

Then when I was a sophomore in high school, I developed an eating disorder and it had a profound impact on me, even years after I made my back to a healthy weight. I have written about this before, but what I saw a few months ago for the first time was the connection between my anorexia and my insatiable desire for embodying my wild feminine.

When I had my eating disorder, I completely disconnected from my body. I had to. You cannot systematically starve yourself and listen to your body at the same time. My body became something dead to me, an object, as opposed to a living breathing extension of my soul.

It has been a long and winding journey for me to find my way back home into my body. To relish in her. To listen to her. To trust her. When I first started doing yoga, the idea of listening to my body was so foreign to me that I ended up injuring myself quite a few times. It still doesn’t come easily to me; most of the time it still takes a conscious effort. But the wisdom that I have uncovered in her is so worth it.

What I also realized is that even after I went to college and fully recovered from the eating disorder, my shame around it and my subconscious beliefs about what it meant about me still steered much of my life.

Mostly unbeknownst to me, I had embraced a dark belief about myself. The belief went something like this: “If I allowed this to happen to me, clearly there is something wrong with me and I can’t trust myself.”

These types of deeply ingrained limiting beliefs live way under the surface of our everyday lives. It was not as if I was walking around saying, “There is something wrong with me; I can’t be trusted!” But below the radar that belief was guiding pretty much every decision I was making.

The mind is a powerful beast, and it can be used for good, but without awareness it can also create powerfully negative loops. I was living in a catch 22 and had no idea. I was making decisions from a place of not trusting myself, and then every decision reflected that belief back to me, thereby validating it.

The list of those decisions is LONG and dominated a good portion of my life for nearly a decade. Switching from drawing and painting to graphic design and digital photography as a major because I didn’t trust my decision to be an artist. Taking every job that was offered to me because I didn’t trust that I could find something better and that I would actually enjoy. I could go on, but you get the point.

I spent the better part of a decade floating around in that muck, getting further and further from the life I really wanted (I wrote more about that here). Until one day I woke up and slowly started making my way back to my body. Through that process I reconnected with my intuition. I dug up my inner compass that was buried in the deepest caverns of my heart and hadn’t seen the light of day for years, and I dusted her off. With time, I recalibrated her and began using her to guide my life.

And that right there is the essence of the wild feminine for me. That wild place in every woman is where instinct and intuition live. Where radical self-trust lives.

This is my story, and your story may look quite different. But what I do know is that for one reason or another many women have disconnected from this deep and soulful place, and we are suffering for it. We have given away our power. We have given away our knowing. We have given away a true relationship with ourselves.

Now is the time to reclaim it. I hope you join me.

My #1 Rule For Wildly Feminine Dating

KissSilhouetteSmall

Ladies, today we are talking DATING RULES, and I would like to give you my one and only rule how to date in your WILD FEMININE.

There is a lot of advice out there for women on how to be more feminine. When I first started getting into all things wild feminine, I read. A LOT. And many of the books that I read…how do I say this…really annoyed the shit out of me (and they still do).

To be honest, I do agree with them on certain points. If you are a woman in your masculine, you will be less likely to attract the masculine partner you are looking for. In case you missed it, I wrote a blog post about this recently called “Do You Keep Attracting Dudes Who Lack Direction?” that you can read here. However, where I disagree with many books is the way in which they teach women to access their feminine.

Many are filled with pages upon pages of rules on how women should behave, what they should or should not do, say, or be. I feel like that is grossly inauthentic and inaccurate.

Want to know what my ONE AND ONLY rule is for wildly feminine dating? Ready for it? Here it is:

FUCK DATING RULES.

There ya have it.

Setting up rules for dating in your feminine energy is another way for women in their masculine energy to quickly determine if they are doing “right” or “wrong”.

Rules are a form of discipline (and if you missed that one, you can hear my thoughts on discipline here). Basically following a prescribed set of rules for how you should date or who you should be in relationship is a substitute for actually trusting and loving yourself exactly how you are.

All of this may read like a contradiction. You want to attract a masculine mate, but you are in your masculine. But you shouldn’t actively try to be more feminine to counteract that? That is correct, and I assure you it’s not a contradiction.

First, following a specific set of outlined steps to achieve a certain outcome, even if that outcome is being more feminine, is a rather masculine approach.

Second, it is not super authentic feeling. You shouldn’t have to be someone you are not to attract a mate.

So what gives?

Many people are missing a step, and it’s a pretty crucial one.

Most people focus on action, which is yet again a masculine approach. Examples of actions include: “Should I call or not call, should I approach or let him approach me, should I play hard to get or be open and receptive?”

Here’s the deal. Actions don’t arise out of thin air. They align with, and are a result of, your thoughts, feelings, and belief systems. You can take a new action, but if you don’t change the underlying beliefs that resulted in you taking the original action in the first place, it’s not going to be very effective.

And it’s going to feel as if you are putting on a mask every time you go out with someone. No bueno.

If you have a more feminine essence, but are operating more in your masculine, the first thing you have to ask yourself is why. You probably have very deeply ingrained beliefs about yourself, what it means to be feminine, etc., and I would wager that many of them are limiting.

Reconnecting to your wild feminine is not about slapping on a new feminine habit on top of an already existing masculine armor; it’s about stripping away all the armor that is not really you. Reconnecting to your wild feminine is getting down to the truest version of yourself. Who were before anyone told you who should be, could be, etc.

The beauty is that once you get to that place and find her, you will begin to trust yourself and the universe so deeply that all the rules become obsolete. You will act from your gorgeously unique self, and know in your heart that it is perfect every time. That is what dating, and living, in your wild feminine is all about.

If you are ready to unleash your TRUE wild feminine essence, I would love to speak with you! To schedule your FREE Discovery Call click here. The Discovery Call is a chance for me to get to know you better to see if you would be a good fit for my Uncage Your Wild Heart three month one-on-one coaching program.