Singing Bird Holistic Health Coaching

You Can’t Control Your Way To Freedom

LogCrossing1A few months ago, I wrote an article about how we can’t fight our way to peace (read it here). Similarly, we can’t control our way to freedom.

Trust me, I know intimately well how seductive the pull of control can be.

“If only I could be in control of everything, then I will feel relaxed and free.” Or so the thinking goes.

Though that thinking is inherently flawed, I see the word “control” pop up like the holy grail all the time in my coaching sessions and Desire Map workshops.

We want to control our health. What is in every morsel of food we put in our mouths. How our husbands load the dishwasher. How someone walks our dog.

This illusion of control helps to keep our fears at bay, because underneath it all we are terrified of the unknown. A part of us knows how little control we truly have, and yet we continue to try and mitigate every potential risk in our lives and the lives of those around us. Unfortunately, when we take this rigid approach to life and something unexpected happens (as it always will), it can bring us to our knees.

The light bulb really went off for me on a coaching call where the client said, “I am afraid that I won’t feel free anymore if I can’t control the experience.”

And this is where so many of us get confused.

Freedom is not rooted in control. Freedom is rooted in trust.

The more things in our life we feel like we need to control or manage, the more tight, constricted, and stressed we become. Does that taste of freedom? I don’t think so. And yet, we continue down that path because our fear is that if we let go, even just a little bit, everything will fall apart. Control gives our ego a sense of importance. So we believe that peace and freedom are just around the corner, if only we can get that last piece of our lives under control.

But that last piece always alludes us, and we take on more and more “responsibility”, becoming more and more stressed, more and more regimented, and less free. We end up with adrenal fatigue. Burn out. Anxiety.

Unbeknownst to us, we are moving further away from how we want to feel, not towards it.

If you want more freedom and trust in your life, start with something small and give up control of it. Allow your husband to put the whites in with the colors. Allow your kids to run barefoot even though there are sharp rocks around. Allow your dog to eat the random thing on the walk. Allow everything and person in your life their own experience and the freedom to live their own lives, and you will begin to see their freedom mirrored back in your own.

If you are exhausted and ready to release the tight constraints that have been holding you hostage, one-on-one coaching might be a good fit for you. Schedule your free 30-minute Discovery Call by clicking here. You deserve to live a life rooted in love, freedom, trust, and wildness.

 

 

The Texture of Wild + A Deliciously Feminine Way to Design Your Life

IMG_4968

Y’all know by now how much I love The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte. It is such a beautiful, simple, and elegant way to live your life.

What I have found however, and experienced myself, is that it is easy to let finding our core desired feelings be yet another theoretical exercise. We go through the book on our own or attend a workshop, we have our “aha!” moments and realize where in our life we are living how we want to feel, and where we are far-removed. We find the words that resonate within our soul.

“Yes! This is how I want to feel!” we exclaim. There is laugher and tears. Inspiration. Motivation. Desire to create the changes we so deeply yearn for.

Then, much like with any retreat or experience, we go back to our normal lives. Too often our core desired feelings remain scrawled in that notebook of ours and get filed away. We may think of them occasionally, we may even make some large sweeping changes, but we don’t saturate our lives with those feelings.

I have one main core desired feeling (and then three little tendril offshoots, but we will get into that in another post).

WILD.

I mean, are you all that surprised?!?

I want to soak my entire life in the energy of wild, and one of the most gorgeously feminine ways to do that is through the senses.

What is the sensuality of wild?

If you have read The Desire Map, gone through the workbook, attended a workshop or intro night, but are still having difficulties integrating your core desired feelings into your life, I invite you to try this.

If your core desired feeling was a texture, what would it be? Is it sleek, modern, and shiny? Is it rough or smooth? Is it homogenous or a combination of different textures? What does it look like? How does it feel brushing up against your fingertips?

When you have those answers, make a vision board (either the old fashioned way with a poster board and magazine cutouts or on Pinterest) of this texture. Then go out and find one object for your home that captures this texture. This is a small beginning, but will allow you to start designing your entire life around how you want to feel.

The more you do this, the more your core desired feeling will infuse every part of your life. Branch out from texture into color, scent, clothing, etc. Allow your feelings to be your guide in every decision that you make.

IMG_5208

For example, the picture of that tree above feels very WILD to me. The color. The mix of textures. How can I bring that into my life? Well, I could make a reclaimed wooden headboard, frame a photo or drawing in a rustic wooden frame, or even print out the picture of that texture and frame it. Then I will start to infuse my space with the sense of wildness.

If you’ve been through the desire mapping process and need some help with bringing your core desired feelings to life, or if you are brand new to The Desire Map, I invite you to reach out to me. I facilitate Desire Map workshops and Intro Nights in the Austin area, but also work with women one-on-one all over the country. If this is something that interests you, send me an email at singingbirdhealth@gmail.com

This Realization Made Me a Better Wife Instantly

CoupleMountain

I am going to tell y’all a personal story this week. First I have to establish the setting if you will.

It was early December and I had plowed through David Deida’s book Intimate Communion in a single day. (If you are interested in or enjoy my forays into masculine vs. feminine essence, you have to read this book by the way.)

The whole book is fascinating, but there were three things in particular that really stood out to me:

The feminine is LOVE. I had read this before in another book of his, but I hadn’t really gotten it. But this time it struck a chord within me. The feminine is love, so if we open into our feminine at any given moment we also open to love. The very love that exists within our core always.

We feel love more when we are being LOVING as opposed to when we are being LOVED. This makes total sense. You feel love when you are embodying love, but that’s not how many of us think of it. As a whole I’d say that many of us like to push our power away and believe that we can only feel love when we are being loved by someone else. That doesn’t take responsibility for our own emotional state of being.

The masculine and feminine energies dance through everything in the universe, and they are made to balance one another out. Animals, places, and foods can all be thought of as having a more masculine or feminine essence. For example, alcohol is expansive and feminine, while salt is contractive and masculine. You can see why they always serve salty snacks at bars…

Then he told this story of a woman who was balancing her feminine energy with her dog’s masculine energy. I felt like I had been sucker punched. I looked over at Sophie, my anything but dainty, 75-pounds of muscle, pit bull. My sweet, sweet pibble…who likes to decide which direction we go on walks, gets all up in my space on the couch, and likes to fully hijack my whole side of the bed most nights.

The first light bulb went off. Holy shit, since I work from home, steeped in all things wild feminine, Sophie has become a balancing source of masculine energy for me.

Then the second light bulb went off and this one took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. Holy shit, I had an easier time expressing my love and being loving to my dog than I did my husband!!

“This can’t be true,” I thought to myself, but in my heart of hearts, I knew that it was.

I am telling you this story because this is the year of radical authenticity AND because I don’t think I am alone.

Take a look around and everywhere you can see people cooing and loving up on their children and pets much more than they do their spouses or romantic partners.

I think the reason is the good old sticky concept of vulnerability. Showering pets and children with unconditional love feels safer somehow. Even though I love my husband to the moon and back, and I know that he loves me (he put a ring on it for goodness sake!), I still found it difficult to fully take down my walls of self-protection and let my love shine out unencumbered.

But here is the great thing about awareness. Once I saw it, I could never un-see it. And though it felt goobery, sentimental, and sappy (and vulnerable as hell) I began showering my husband with all the love that I truly felt for him. It was in there all along, I was just blocking it from coming out.

Now I can say from my personal experience that we can open to love in any moment – because it’s always there in our hearts – and it’s the moments when we allow ourselves to fully open that we feel love vibrating through us, as us.